Promotion of a COVID-19 vaccine site at one of RRC’s regional campuses has unexpectedly “gone viral”. Now the college is scrambling to mitigate a raging row between Manitoba’s smallest campus and America’s third most populous state, Florida.
The source of the outbreak? A seemingly innocent report from RRC’s Miami regional campus that the entire senior women’s pickleball team, the Miami Doll Finns, had been vaccinated.
“Who would have expected four little pricks in Miami to cause such a stir?” remarked RRC’s senior Communications and Obfuscation Officer, Shirley Knott. “We certainly did not want to offend anyone, no matter how ignorant.”
Equally baffled was the four-lady pickleball team: Iina Olli, Erika Juntunen, Vellamo Niskala, and Gäyl Shimonèksen—all of Finnish ancestry, hence the name Doll Finns.
“We’re big college boosters, and we just wanted to do our bit to promote vaccination”, said Shimonèksen, the team’s captain and coach. “We never dreamed our name would get us into a pickle with the Miami Dolphins?”
But leave it to Fox Newz, already widely slammed for its COVID denialism and anti-vax rhetoric, to take an opportunistic shot at RRC. Fox injected a massive dose of righteous indignation into the heart of Trumpland by claiming that “Doll Finns” was but a crude pun, “a vile appropriation of the revered Dolphins name to promote a vaccine hoax!”
When asked to comment, Iina Olli best expressed the Doll Finn’s collective position.
“Melo nopeammin, kuulen banjoja!” she howled, waving her pickleball paddle over her head.
Roughly translated, “Paddle faster, I hear banjos!”